Flann O'Brien: Plays and Teleplays Read online

  CULLEN: Don’t mind him, Shawn.

  SHAWN: But who would see him if he was stretched in his natural state in the meadow? Sure the grass is up to here, look, and lovely rich juicy Irish grass it is.

  CULLEN: Certainly.

  SHAWN: Sure if you drove a small motorcar into my meadow in the morning, you wouldn’t know where to look for it in the evening. (Caressingly.) Lovely, tall, nourishing, splendid grass, food and drink for any taste. And nice fresh crisp hay it will make, gorgeous golden hay. You won’t find anything like it outside Ireland.

  REILLY: What about the Czar’s grass beyond in Russia?

  CULLEN: Ah, sure the ould Czar went to the wall years ago. Years ago, man.

  SHAWN: As a young man, the Russian Revolution was a thing that fired me imagination.

  REILLY: If you ask me, them Russians would ate any hay you gave them. Damn the one of them ever heard of a good plate of bacon and cabbage. Vodka and beans is all the order there, I believe. How would you fancy that after ten hours on the thrashing-machine?

  SHAWN: A man was once telling me that in Russia they do have the new potatoes in March. I daresay it’s due to the Gulf Stream. Imagine a plate of new spuds on St Patrick’s Day. They’d have the new peas, too. (With feeling.) Begorrah, I’d spend ten years on a thrashing-machine for that.

  CULLEN: (At the window.) I think I see a certain Town Clerk wending his weary way.

  SHAWN: I believe that man Stalin is a black Protestant.

  REILLY: He looks like an Orangeman to me.

  CULLEN: Here he is. (Mimics Cork accent.) Good ev’nin’. How are ye’s at all? Is de Big Man not here? Shhhhhh!

  (The TOWN CLERK enters. He is a small perky man of about 30, wears the fáinne and is well dressed. He has a strong Cork accent.)

  TOWN CLERK: Good ev’nin’. How are ye’s at all? Isn’t it very warm? Is de Big Man not here? (He goes to desk left.)

  REILLY: Mr. Kelly is having a few rossiners down the way and will be here when the temperature below his belt has risen to the right pitch.

  TOWN CLERK: (Taking papers from desk and going to table.) I was thinking of going up to Dublin tomorrow, please God, to see the Minister’s Private Secretary. He’s a personal friend of me married sister and he’s half-Cork on the da’s side. . . . He’s a right dacent man, I met him wan time at the Metropole Hotel in Cork and we got on together . . . (he looks up) like two canaries in a cage.

  SHAWN: You’re roight, me bucko. A soft . . . well-made . . . dacent . . . God-fearing . . . Irish gentleman.

  TOWN CLERK: Yerrah, don’t be talking to me. I was inside the hotel with Paddy Hourigan, the Lord have mercy on him, an’ didn’t we run into the Minister’s Secretary on the stairs.

  SHAWN: Ah, Paddy Hourigan, may God be good to him, for a finer, neater, better-made, dacenter Irishman never wore a hat.

  TOWN CLERK: Yerrah, don’t be talking to me. “Meet Mr. Hinnissey,” says Paddy. (He faces the company.) “I don’t know Mr. Hinnissey,” says the Minister Secretary, “but I’ve heard all about him.” “Come into the bar,” says he to me, “and have a glawsheen.”

  REILLY: And I suppose you walked in and drank the pockets off him.

  TOWN CLERK: Now, Martin, now, now——

  REILLY: You’re another man that ought to go to Russia.

  TOWN CLERK: Russia?

  REILLY: Begob, they’d know how to handle you there, me boyo. They don’t believe in letting able-bodied young fellas live like leeches on the backs of the ratepayers there—no bloody fear. You’ll work for your money there, not heating the seat of a stool but out drivin’ ingines with the sweat and the muck plastered on you.

  TOWN CLERK: I’ll go tomorrow if the Council pays me fare.

  REILLY: (Angrily, his voice rising.) By God, they’d make a man of you, then, if they had you out there. Damn the Russian ratepayer you’d live on. You wouldn’t get away with this four fifty a year stuff, with fees for fairs and markets.

  TOWN CLERK: (Laughs as he sits, going through files.) Ah, dear-a-dear.

  SHAWN: (Seriously.) Tell me, Martin. Phwat are the rates in Russia at the present time?

  REILLY: The rates?

  SHAWN: Ay, the rates.

  REILLY: (Puzzled.) Well, I don’t know the figures but I know this—the unfortunate ratepayers out there aren’t saddled with thruppence in the pound for teaching Irish and filling the heads of a lot of poor chisellers with ‘taw may go h-mahs’ and ‘Gurramahaguts’ and the Lord knows what bogman’s back-chat.

  TOWN CLERK: Ah, ná bí ag cainnt!

  REILLY: You shut your Cork gob and keep it shut!

  SHAWN: Now isn’t it a terrible ting to see two fine grand Irishman fighting and back-biting one another to their faces? Isn’t it a great shame to see ye playing England’s game in the offices of the Urban District Council?

  CULLEN: (Going back to table and sitting.) I suppose it’s true that Kelly’s going up at the by-election.

  REILLY: O, it’s true enough. My God, imagine that bags a T.D.!

  SHAWN: I do, I do. The Chairman is going to stand. ‘Tis great trouble and tribulation, a T.D.’s life. ‘Tis no life for an idealist.

  TOWN CLERK: Do you know, Shawn, there’s wan thing that often puzzled me, many’s a time I meant to ask you about it. How did you come to lose your seat at all, at all?

  SHAWN: I’ll tell you, boy. Instid . . . of getting work on the roads for strong farmers . . . and instid of getting young farmers’ sons into the Electricity Supply Board . . . and instid of getting the old age pinshin for men with big fortunes that weren’t the age . . . phwat was I at only planting little fir trees on the mountains that I love above meself.

  CULLEN: Tell me, Shawn, have you got the time for God’s sake? What time is it by your gold watch and chain?

  SHAWN: (Takes out large metal watch.) I do, I do. The correct time according to me wireless is ten minutes past nine.

  TOWN CLERK: Mr. Kelly must have been delayed on the road. I want to have a private conversation with him about me visit to Dublin.

  REILLY: Ten to one you’re off to Dublin to work some election twist for Kelly.

  TOWN CLERK: De Chairman’s all in favour of keeping de Minister on our hands. The two is personal friends, I believe. Did you get any offer for that small farm o’ yours, Shawn? The one out de Lochatubber road?

  SHAWN: I do. A man rang me up on the wire about it four days ago offering four hundred pounds. Well, do you know, I took him to task. Listen to me here, man, says I, do you know that the man you are talking to is Shawn Kilshaughraun? Do you take me, says I, for a gawm from Kirry or some hungry remote cold distant townland in the County Cork?

  REILLY: Maybe he knew his man. By God, I wouldn’t fancy doing business with you.

  TOWN CLERK: Now, Martin. (He puts a finger to his lips.) You’ve had yer say. Hould yer whisht for pity’s sake.

  (He walks to desk and takes large ledgers, brings them to his table and works at them.)

  SHAWN: Sure he hadn’t a word to say when I was finished talking to him. Don’t you know, says I, that the soil of me little farm is (caressingly) the grandest, finest, richest fertile land in de whole country. I was talking to an Inspector from the Department about the soil. Mr. Kilshaughraun, says he, you’ll be surprised at what I’m goin’ to tell ye.

  CULLEN: What did he say?

  SHAWN: Do you know, says he, that in all me travels I have nivir come across soil the like of this. It has phosphates, says he, and the divil knows what. I disremember the names of all the fine, grand, nourishing, rich, juicy properties of me soil. Sure Lord save us, haven’t I a field of oats up there now, as yellow as a bantam’s tail, as thick as a girl’s hair, sure you’d nivir find yer way out if you walked into it.

  REILLY: Sure don’t I pass it every Sunday on me walk after Mass, a rough-lookin’ hungry farm of rocks and scraws that would wear the hands off five men to get any satisfaction out of it in a month of Sundays. Sure don’t I know it well. Six pound valuation on land,
four on buildings. (Bitterly.) Ask the Town Clerk. Sure it’s down on the list.

  TOWN CLERK: Dat’s right, dat’s right.

  REILLY: Ask the Chief Executive Officer of the Urban Council, four fifty a year with fees for fairs and markets for the privilege of sitting on his Cork backside! Do you know, I think I’m going off me head in his place. . . . What in the name of God is keepin’ that Chairman? I’ve a good mind to go home and leave him without his quorum.

  CULLEN: Yerra, take your time, Martin. Sure what would you be doin’ at home only annoying Mrs. Reilly, yer good long-suffering wife, with your great unrest of mind.

  TOWN CLERK: (Working at his books.) Well, do you know, these books are in a terrible condition of confusion. Full of blanks. Do ‘oo know phwat the Council was paid four years ago for twenty-seven planks that were sold to de County Surveyor?

  SHAWN: (Expansively.) A good strong well-made, well-seasoned plank of prime timber is worth twelve shillings and sixpence.

  TOWN CLERK: (Tapping his ledger.) Blank! That’s what was paid—Blank!

  (He rises again and goes to desk to get papers.)

  REILLY: Of course, the poor man that was here before you had the great misfortune to be born in this town. He was not a smart maneen from Cork with his degrees and all his orders, he was only paid four pounds a week and fees for markets turned in to the Council (his voice rises), he was only an ordinary unassuming decent Irishman that took a bottle of stout like the rest of us, with no flying up to Dublin to the Departments to suck up to a lot of thumawns and pultogues and fly-be-nights. . . .

  (Quite suddenly the door is opened by KELLY. He is accompanied by THE STRANGER—a small dark middle-aged man who is formally dressed in striped trousers, black coat and wears a bowler hat. He carries a briefcase. He is motioned into the public gallery at the back of the stage and throughout the Act he sits immovably with his hat on, facing the audience. He receives many curious looks from those present. KELLY is dressed in a black overcoat, dark scarf and hard hat. He wears glasses, has a cunning serious face. In his left hand he carries dark leather gloves. He has taken the company completely by surprise. They preserve a complete and surprised silence, which KELLY naturally takes as a tribute to his own great importance. The others seem to be asking themselves whether he has been listening outside the door for a time before coming in. SHAWN says ‘Hullo.’ KELLY closes the door with great care. He then takes his overcoat off slowly, hangs it up, puts his hat on the same peg and comes forward to the table slowly and abstractedly, his gaze being downwards and meeting nobody’s eye. He then looks up with a mechanical smile.)

  KELLY: Good evening, gentlemen. Good evening, Town Clerk. A pleasant summer evening, thank God. How is your good lady, Martin? I believe she had a touch of cold.

  REILLY: (Non-committally.) Mrs. Reilly is all right, thank ye.

  KELLY: Ah, good. Shawn, I want a word with you afterwards at your convenience. (He rubs his hands together briskly.)

  SHAWN: I do, I do. With pleasure, Chairman.

  KELLY: I want you to see the Minister about a certain matter. A word in the right place, you know. A little matter I want set right. There is certain backstairs work going on about the Fair Green, cattle-jobbers and publicans butting at one another to get the site changed, first here and then there. Result: delay, delay, delay. No Fair Green and the streets up to your ankles in it of a fair day. (He realises that he still has his gloves in his hand: sighs.) But that’s another matter. It’s not on the Agenda.

  (He turns and walks back to his coat to leave his gloves.)

  SHAWN: I endorse, and I re-endorse, every word you say, Chairman. The streets, of a fair day, are a crying, desperate, insanitary shame. Isn’t it a terrible thing to have publicans putting down money to have the Fair held at their doors? Wouldn’t it make you disheartened in democracy? Wouldn’t it now?

  (KELLY returns to the table, sits down carefully in the large chair at the head of it, sighs and smiles indulgently.)

  KELLY: Human nature, Shawn, not democracy. Poor old human nature.

  CULLEN: It doesn’t matter where you hold the Fair, you’ll have to drive the animals there and back and how are you going to make them behave themselves?

  TOWN CLERK: (Moving over to the Chairman’s left with a heap of ledgers.) I was just saying, Chairman, that I’m off to Dublin some of these fine days to the Department about a certain ting. The personal touch is a very important ting, you know.

  REILLY: ‘Touch’ is right. Up to Dublin on the ratepayers’ money to bum drinks off the highest in the land and to work some electioneering twist.

  KELLY: Gentlemen, we must have some order, some system, a little mutual respect. The Town Clerk will go to Dublin when he is instructed to do so by the Council. In the meantime, Mr. Reilly, he is entitled to the respect that is due to his office—

  REILLY: Ah, yerra——

  KELLY: —as Chief Executive Officer of this town. The dignity of the town is represented in his person.

  REILLY: (Sarcastically.) I see.

  SHAWN: Just as a Minister or a deputy is entitled to the respect that is due to the sovereign people of Ireland. Do you understand me, Martin? The Irish nation. (He begins to pick his teeth.)

  CULLEN: I don’t see anything wrong with the Town Clerk, and Cork isn’t the worst place to come from. Didn’t Foley the sculptor come from Cork.

  REILLY: Who?

  CULLEN: Foley.

  REILLY: I suppose he died for Ireland, too.

  KELLY: (He raps the table gently with his spectacle-case.) Now, gentlemen, order, ORDER. A little bit of order, now. Mr. Kilshaughraun, I would like your attention, please.

  SHAWN: (Desisting from picking his teeth abstractedly.) I do, I do, Mr. Chairman, I do, I do.

  KELLY: And yours, Mr. Cullen. Mr. Reilly, too. I have a meeting with the P.P. at nine and we will want to proceed with expedition . . . and despatch so that I may get away in time. A little matter of the Christmas Coal Fund, very trivial but very important to the unfortunate poor of this town. Now, Town Clerk.

  TOWN CLERK: (In a toneless, official voice.) De following members are absent from this meeting, Mr. P. Meady, Mr. George Pealahan, Mrs. Mary Corkey——

  SHAWN: (With feeling.) Ah, the poor woman, the poor . . . suffering . . . patient . . . pious . . . decent, saintly . . . soul, she’ll never lave that bed again. Sure I seen her——

  TOWN CLERK: (Raising his voice.) Mr. J. D. Callen and Mr. Joe Hoop.

  CULLEN: I agree with you.

  SHAWN: Dr. Dan says it’s only a question of time. Decent woman, too. (JOE HOOP enters.) O, here’s Joe. Good night Joe, you’re just in time.

  HOOP: (In a pronounced northern accent and giving a broad smile.) Good night.

  (He is a tall, youngish man, hatless and coatless, wears glasses and is of somewhat studious aspect. He carries what appears to be a novel in his hand. He slumps into his chair, opens the book, which he holds half under the table, and begins to read it. He pays no attention whatever to the meeting, reading his book steadily to the end. He sits right of table between REILLY and CULLEN.)

  TOWN CLERK: (Speaking in a toneless headlong babble.) The Minutes of the last meeting. Letter from the Department was read in connexion with the Council’s housing scheme: letter was noted. Letter from the Commissioners of Public Works was read in connexion with de preservation of de old clocktower in Hogan Street: ordered dat de Council view dis proposal with approval and Town Clerk to co-operate with de Commissioners to de best of his ability, no charge to fall upon de rates from his preservation proposal. Letter read from de Department in connexion with de Council’s share in next year’s allocation under de Free Milk Scheme: ordered dat de Council press for high allocation in view of large number of expectant mothers now on de rates and de depressed state of de town ginerally. (His voice tails off as a conversation begins.)

  CULLEN: Tell me, Chairman. Is it true you’re going up at the byelection?

  KELLY: That is a big question, Mr. Cul
len.

  REILLY: If you’re not, it won’t be for want of having a high opinion of yourself, anyway.

  CULLEN: It’s all over the town that you’re going up.

  KELLY: Gentlemen, I am not yet quite certain where my duty lies. My desire is to serve. Whether I can best serve by offering myself as a candidate for the national parliament is a matter of consideration.

  REILLY: (Impatiently.) Are you going up? Yes or no? Cut out the blather.

  KELLY: This much I will say. I have been pressed to go forward. Certain friends are very insistent. Certain friends will not take No. I may have to stand eventually to satisfy them. I only wish I was as worthy as their opinion of me would indicate.

  REILLY: It must be terrible to be pushed like that against your will.

  CULLEN: Well, more luck to you if you do decide to stand. You’ll get two votes from my house, anyway.

  KELLY: Thank you, Mr. Cullen.

  REILLY: Begob, if you ask me, this bloody country’s on its last legs. With you in parliament it’ll be the limit altogether.

  KELLY: I’m not in the parliament yet, Mr. Reilly. Let us cross that bridge when we come to it. Proceed, Town Clerk.

  TOWN CLERK: Letter read from Miss Peake, typist, asking de Council for increase of 5/- a week in her salary: ordered dat de increase be given in view of Miss Peake’s valuable services to de Council and de Community, subject to de sanction of de Minister for Local Government and Public Health and Department to be informed dat Miss Peake has five years’ unblemished service in which she discharged her duties with great zeal and efficiency to de satisfaction of de Council and de Town Clerk and dat she worked late on several occasions in de office of de Town Surveyor when he was getting his works into order and dat she is a very good girl in every way. Letter read from de Department inquiring what action de council took on Circular letter of 10th May in connexion with de cleaning of burial ground: ordered dat de department be informed dat de grave-yard is in a first-class condition and always has been and dat no action be taken on de Circular. De Council discussed de disgraceful condition of de footpath in Emmet Street near de Chairman’s house. Chairman said dat de place was a menace to life and limb of a dark night and dat de road contractor be warned to put the road into proper repair de way he found it and dat de Town Surveyor be ordered to put up a new lamp at dis place, which is very dangerous to pedestrian and vehicular traffic of a dark night. (Voice trails off.)